WWYD?

[Val]

I have a neighbor across the street, youngest son of a rather well-off family, who comes to my door periodically to ask me for money. He is 18 now, dropped out of school two years ago, has a drug problem and has a lengthy police record for things from domestic violence (against his parents, who are nice people), breaking and entering, drugs, etc. This boy has been on a downward spiral pretty much since we moved in 5 years ago. He's been in treatment, counselling, lived with various family members, etc.

Two years ago, he rang my doorbell and asked me to lend him $20 to go to an amusement park with friends. I was taken aback, as we are not close neighbors, but assumed that he simply didn't know any better than to ask someone for "recreation money". As I said, his parents are well off - for example, they promised to buy him a new truck if he'd get his grades up to passing (he didn't), and he has been given plenty monetarily. I declined and thought no more about it.

That summer, he probably rang my doorbell five times asking for money, anywhere from "Do you have $5 I could have to meet my friends at the movies?" to "You don't have $20 I can borrow do you? I'll pay you back..." After about the third time, I firmly told him no, that I was not in the habit of lending money, didn't keep money in the house, and could not help him, that if he ever needed money he needed to talk to his parents. Given that I know he has stolen money as well as household items from family members in the past for drugs, I did not want to even set my home up as a potential target. I also told his sister about his coming over to ask for money and she was aghast, gave him heck about it.

Well, I still find that periodically the doorbell will ring, and there will be Joe asking for something. Last summer he came over and asked me if I'd drive him half an hour across town to meet his friends at a mall! I always said sorry, no.

Yesterday the door rings, and it is Joe. no shirt, no shoes, looking kind of a wreck. He tells me he needs a dollar and a quarter to take the bus to a GED class. Part of me really wanted to just give him the money - it's only a handful of change, and i have in the past given more to kids who were needy. But I was also thinking, "He doesn't have a dollar fifty in the house?" He's 18, surely he can find a way to earn a DOLLAR! His sister told me two days before she had stopped by to give him "fun money". And even moreso, I was thinking, "If I give him $1.50 this time, he is going to be coming over here for money even more than he is."

I ended up telling him, sorry, Joe, I don't keep money in the house, and feeling very guilty about it afterwards. What would you have done?

[Clio]

I would have just kept saying no.

As you said, his parents are well-off and if they see no good reason to give him money then neither should anyone else.

I would hope his parents are not giving him money unless he does something to deserve it, which is what it looks like.

Even if he had offered to mow your lawn or clean your windows then that would have been something, but he didn't. He's 18, an adult, and if he hasn't learnt by now that adults need to earn their money, you giving him a handout would not have been doing him any favours.

Personally, I think it's time for you to have a word with his parents, no matter how awkward it may be. If they're not aware of what he's doing, they won't give him the severe talking to he desperately needs.

If that was my son, I'd really wnat to know what he was up to. The parents may or may not react well to what you ahve to say but I would hope in the long run they would be thankful for you caring so much about their son you felt the need to bring it to their attention.

I certainly wouldn't be feeling guily over it. If that was one of your little ones, would you expect a neighbour to feel guilty if the roles were reversed.

You have done nothing wrong. Just keep telling yourself that.

[George1]

I agree with Clio. He was probably lying about the GED class - people generally dress at least a little to go to school.
If you want to help him out, and have the energy, you can pay him a few dollars to mow your lawn or similar activities while you watch him; you'll have to bring him the equipment and a drink of water, don't let him in to your house. If you don't have the energy, just keep saying no. If you are really fed up, ask him to stop coming over panhandling or you'll call the police.

[Slabobbin]

It sounds like he may have more problems than you think. It isn't really socially, or any other way acceptable for an 18 year old to be knocking on a neighbor's door asking for money. That is something that a four year old, who is just learning what is ok and what isn't when it comes to "manners" and "social acceptability" would do.

I think you did the right thing.

[Michele]

I would probably invite his parents over and have a discussion with them. It is in no way acceptable for him to be asking you for favors without his parents knowledge. If the parents don't recipricate, I would contact the police or social services to see if I could get him some help. He most obviously needs it. :(

Also, have you tried asking him why he continually comes to you? Maybe he sees a "mother" figure in you in some way? I would try inviting him in and having an open discussion with him (unless you feel he is harmful in some way.) Ask him why he comes to you. Why he doesn't go to his parents or other family members. etc.

I think you did the right thing in not handing over the money. You don't know where the money is going for sure but you sure as heck don't want to contribute to drug use. :( I pray he gets the help he needs.

[GracieMae]

I agree with Clio and Michele. You definitly did the right thing.

[Val]

Okay, I am glad I did not give him the money.

My neighbor told me that the day after Joe asked me for money, he knocked on her door (and he doesn't even know her name) and asked for $20 for money to get to his GED class. She declined. She also asked me if he had been washing windows for money as she saw him walking down the street with a huge power washer.

I called his sister and told her Joe was panhandling the neighbors again. Also asked if he was working re. the washer, and she said no, the washer had been stolen from her parents, but they had no evidence he'd taken it. :(

Turns out the day Joe hit Leslie up for money, he first called his sister who said, "Joe, I will drive over there and take you to your class and come back and pick you up for it. But I am not giving you any cash." He said "Never mind, I'll ask the neighbors for $20." His sister said, "What do you need $20 for? The bus will take you right there." He said if he was going to attend the class he needed money for food out and cigarettes as well.

UNBELIEVABLE! This kid has no concept of responsibility, personal pride or earning. Next time he comes to the door, I am afraid I am going to say, "Joe, do not ring this door bell again, period. If you need money, a ride, or anything else, ask your parents or get a job. But do not knock here again."

Any guilt I felt earlier in the week has vamoosed!

PS to Michelle - I have in the past when he was younger invited him in and had a firm but heart to heart talk with him when he was flunking out of school about why its important to make an effort, and he sat there and smiled at me and admitted to me when I called him on it that he plays his parents about being unable, when he simply doesn't want to. He asks neighbors for money when his family refuses to give him anymore. His sister told me his mom regularly gives him twenty to forty dollars a day because he says he needs food money (to eat out) etc. He has been overindulged monetarily and I'm afraid it is really biting him in the butt now.

[Michele]

Gosh Val that stinks. (About the kid I mean.) I am glad you got some answers though. Good for you for taking some time with him. At least you know that you did what you could for him. Maybe someday he'll look back on that talk favorably..

I hope he leaves you alone. That's gotta be tough.